limbo ang mayo

(kuha ni b, sa marikina shoe expo sa cubao dec. '05)

"kung hindi nakalingon ay alumpihit namang nakatanaw" - ana morayta

"summer is beginning to give up the fight" ang sabi ng indigo girls. pero nung isang araw lang napanisan na naman ako ng kanin--matindi pa rin ang init kaya aktibo pa rin ang mga bakterya sa pagkain.

nung unang lumatag ang ulan, laking panghihinayang ko dahil katatapos ko lang maligo. kailan nga ba ako huling naligo sa ulan? kaya nang magkaroon ako ng pagkakataon, nang minsang bumuhos ang malakas na ulan, hindi na ako nagdalawang isip pa at lumabas at hinayaang mabasa ang buo kong katawan ng ulan. ewan ko ba, baka sakaling tangayain ng tubig ang lahat ng alinsangan sa lahat ng sulok ng katawan ko. kay raming bagay ang hindi pa ma-settle-settle. ni wala pa ring closure sa pag-aaral dahil matagal nang nakabinbin ang thesis, ang natitirang tinik na nakatarak sa kokote ko.

ngayon alam ko na ang pakiramdam ng nakabitin-- nakalutang dahil walang matungtungang stable, pero meron pa ring kinakapitan. napaka-bulnerable ng isang nasa limbo. bawat araw nagpapabago-bago ang mga plano ko. nung isang araw lang gusto ko nang maging isang freelance writer (hanggang ngayon nabibilaukan pa rin ako pag sinasabi kong writer ako). kinabukasan napanood ko ang day for night ni truffaut, balak ko nang tuparin ang pangarap ko simula pa nung bata na maging filmmaker. tapos nabalitaan kong may napatay na namang aktibista, na-guilty na naman ako.

sa purgatoryo ayon kay dante, ang mga taong nasa limbo ay nagdurusa, pero hindi sapat ang bigat ng kanilang mga kasalanan para mapunta sa impiyerno. pero hindi kaya impiyerno na rin ang mapunta sa limbo?

dati, magkahalong pagkasabik at kaba ang nararamdaman ko pag malapit na ang hunyo. pasukan--bagong klase at kaklase, at the same time nababagabag na pahirapan na naman sa registration.

mahirap ang kaso ko ngayon, wala na akong klaseng papasukan, pero hindi pa rin ako graduate. naghahanap na rin ng trabaho. mali, hindi swak. naghahanap ng direksyon. sapul!

---
isang nakaw na tagpo. maalinsangang gabi pero muntik nang umulan sa loob ng kwarto:

ama: hindi mo man lang sinasabi sa akin na may raket ka na pala? sasapat na ba yan sa iyo? kuntento ka na ba sa buhay mo?
anak: ok na po. sinusubukan ko lang naman po ang mga posibilidad.
ama: uunlad ka ba diyan?
anak: hindi naman nasusukat sa pera. (utal na sinabi kaya ilang beses inulit)
ama: e sa ano pala?
anak: (patlang)
ama: nung isang araw dumaan ka pa sa U. ano na naman ba ang ginawa mo dun?
anak: may ginawa lang po.
ama: ano nga?
anak: (patlang)
ama: sabi ko sa iyo walang magagawa yang pag-iingay niyo. ano, andyan pa rin si gloria?
anak: pero...
ama: itaga mo sa bato, hanggang sa mamatay ako walang magbabago sa pilipinas.
anak: e sistema naman po ang sinusubok naming mabago.
ama: nakailang palit na ng pangulo may nabago ba wala.
anak: (patlang, bakit ngayon wala siyang mapaliwanag?)
ama: hindi mo man lang kami naaalala. kapag wala ka pa, hindi kami mapakali.
anak: (nagtangkang magkuwento ng isang pagkakataon, pero naunang pumatak ang luha kesa salita. pigil na lang ang salita para di bumuhos ang luha.)
ama: alam mo sawang-sawa na ako sa buhay ko. magmula noong... ( at nagsimula ang mahabang kasaysayan ng mga kabiguan).
ama: ang problema sa atin, wala tayong communication. laging may gap
anak: (patlang. tulad nito?)

----

Sitting In Limbo

(Gully Bright-Plummer/Jimmy Cliff)
tuck and patti rendition

Sitting here in limbo
And I know it won't be long
Sitting here in limbo
Like a bird without a song
Well they're putting up resistance
But I know that my faith will lead me on

Sitting here in limbo
Waiting for the dice to roll
Sitting here in limbo
Got some time to search my soul
Ooh they're putting up resistance
But I know that my faith will lead me on

Say I don't know where life will lead me
But I know where I've been
And I don't know what life will show me
But I know what I've seen
I've tried my hand at love and friendship
Some of them have passed along and
This little girl is moving on

Sitting here in limbo
Waiting for the tide to flow
Sitting here in limbo
And I know in my heart that it's time for me to go
Well they're putting up resistance
But I know that my faith will lead me on

the revolution eats its own

ito ang paulit-ulit na nais na ipapaniwala ng mga nagsasabing walang ibang alternatibo kundi ang kasalukuyang kaayusan sa kanilang sarili at sa lahat. muli nating nama(ma)las ito ngayong inaakusahan ni arroyo sa pamamagitan ng mga galamay niyang mga gonzales/z. ibinabalik nila sa gunita ng mamamayan ang purgings, para ipaalala na may kapasidad ang kilusan/kaliwang paslangin ang sarili nitong kasapian para sa ganansya ng rebolusyon.

sinumang bihasa o nagsasabing alam ang kasaysayan ng rebelyon/rebolusyon sa pilipinas ay may katiting na alam sa naganap na split sa kilusan noong dekada '80 hanggang bungad ng dekada '90. mas mahalaga sa mismong split ay ang malawakang panawagan para sa isang rectification movement. ang isang rectification movement ay una, pag-aamin na may naganap na paglihis, at ikalawa, na may pangangailangang ituwid ang pagkakamali. isa sa mga itinuturing na pinakamasahol na kamalian ay ang purgings sa pamamagitan ng oplan olympia, kadena de amor, missing link at kampanyang ahos. inako ng partido komunista ang pagkakasala at ipinagbabayad ang mga responsable rito (at kalakhan sa mga ito ay tumiwalag sa kilusan at ngayo'y kasama na ng estado na paulit-ulit na nagpapaalala sa multo ng purgings). ginagamit ng isang general cabuay ang mga naganap na purgings upang sagutin ang hindi maitanggi-tangging bintang na ang militar ang may kagagawan ng mahabang serye ng pagpaslang sa mga ligal na lider aktibista. isang malaking kahalangalan. una, kalakhan ng mga naging biktima ng purgings ay kasapi mismo ng npa. pangalawa, ang naganap na purgings ay dulot ng paranoia sa deep penetration agent nang malakihang nalalagasan ang mga hukbo. pangatlo, malaki na ang naging ganasya ng rebolusyonaryong kilusan matapos ang kilusang pagwawasto. ano ngayo't binubuhay ang multo ng purgings upang ibunton ang hindi maikailang katotohanan?

convenient kasi itong excuse. at ito ay taktikang "two birds in one stone" ika nga. hugas kamay na, karagdagang asunto pa sa batasan 6 bilang bahagi ng pagiging kasapi diumano ng partido komunista, kaya sa kanila ipinasasagot ang lahat ng hindi maipanalo sa mga pagtutunggali ng hukbo ng estado sa mga larangan sa kanayunan. desperasyon ito ng administrasyong arroyo sa pagkukumahog nitong maglinis ng bakuran pagkatapos ma-elect ang bansa sa UNHR.

namumualan na kasi ang pamahaalan sa dami ng mga hindi matunaw-tunaw na salitang kinakain nito kaya pilit isinusubo ang mga sinuka nito sa iba.

nakakalungkot din naman sa isang banda, kasi ginagamit din ito ng mga nagpapanggap na progresibong grupo at indibidwal tulad ng akbayan, amnesty international at ni conrado de quiros (sa kanyang artikulong 'kataksilan'). sa isang bahagi ay hinohold accountable nila ang gubyerno pero in the same breath ay ine-echo ang retorika at diskurso ng estado tungkol sa purgings at serye ng political killings. palibhasa, iilan lang sa kanila ang binibira ng pamahalaan, senyales na kaya silang i-tolerate ng estado, patunay na hindi sila kailanman "delikado." ikinukulumpon kasi ng mga ito sa iisang bungkos ang karahasan, maging ito ay nagsisilbi sa mamamayan o ginagamit ng estado sa panunupil.

alimpuyo ng mayo

tira-tirang ambon mula sa bagyo noong nakaraang byernesabadolinggo:

---

sabi nga sa kabilang sa nawawala ni ricky lee, "pinakamasakit daw ang alaala kapag umuulan," na para bang parte ng katawan na dinadapuan ng athritis 'pag malamig--alak-alakan, bukung-bukong, kasu-kasuan, ala-ala.

---

saranggola sa ulan, kanta ni gary granada:
"sa piling mo, tatlong bagay ang aking natutunan: ang pag-asa'y walang hanggan, ang pag-ibig ay walang hadlang, at ang saranggola ay lumilipad sa ulan."

---

hikbi. buntung-hininga. hikab.

---
Ina
ni Lorena Barros

Ano ang isang ina?
Mayamang hapag ng
Gutom na sanggol
Kumot sa gabing maginaw
Matamis na uyayi
Tubig
Sa naghahapding sugat.

Ngunit ano ang isang
Rebolusyonaryong ina?
Maapoy na tanglaw
Tungo sa liwayway
Sandigang bato
Lupang bukal ng lakas
Sa digma.
Katabi sa labana't
Alalay sa tagumpay
Ang ina ko.

we all fall in love sometimes

nah! i have no time for that "sometime." i'm not really in love right now. or even, at least, entertaining the idea of love. i just love our dear jeff buckley's cover of an elton john original, we all fall in love sometimes. oh dear jeff, what are you thinking then when you drowned in that murky river? if there's anyone who could have saved you, it would have been... wahahaha. napaghalo ko na si virginia woolf at si pareng jeff. ehehehe.

(perhaps, this entry is a sanity break. oh, those butterflies in my stomach-- dalaw's first shooting day today. arggghhh!)


we all fall in love sometimes
(jeff buckley)

"Jeff: This should bring back some memories..I think...everything I do should bring back some memories
Interviewer: except for that last song..
J.: everybody has memories of love gone bad for some reason, especially if it's gone bad for reasons they don't know about..and they can never really figure out...that on..that last one was called 'Unforgiven' (ie:...which would be the old name of Last Goodbye)
I: is that a new song of yours...?
J: that's a song of mine, it's not new..
I: no?
J: no."

(...excuse me..)

Wise men say
It looks like rain today
It crackled on the speakers
And trickled down the sleepy subway trains
For heavy eyes could hardly hold us
Aching legs that often told us
It’s all worth it
We all fall in love sometimes

The full moon’s bright
And starlight filled the evening
We wrote it and I played it
But something happened it’s so strange this feeling
Naive notions that were childish
Simple tunes that tried to hide it
But when it comes
We all fall in love sometimes

Didn’t we? did we? should we? could we?
I’m not sure but sometimes we’re so blind
Struggling through the day
When even your best friends say
Don’t you find?
We all fall in love sometimes

hmmm...

Oh, yeah..
And only passing time
Could kill the boredom we acquired
Running with the losers for a while
And our empty sky was filled with laughter
Just before the flood
Painting worried faces with a smile

Wise men say
It looks like rain today
It crackled on the speakers
And trickled down the sleepy subway trains
For heavy eyes could hardly hold us
Aching legs that often told us
It’s all worth it
We all fall in love sometimes

oh oh oh...

We all fall in love some times...

"mrs. dalloway said she would buy the flowers herself..." -v

ang mayo ay buwan ng mga bulaklak.

hindi ko maikakaila na masyado akong nadala sa the hours nang muli kong panoorin ito sa dvd at buklatin ang libro ni j. kung paano ko niyakap ang pagkabalisa at obsession sa pagkakaroon ng isang intimate party ( less than 10 partygoers). dagdag pa dito ang parati kong panonood ng barefoot contessa, kung saan laging naghahanda si ina garten para sa mga kaibigan with matching flowers, wine and all. parang isang eksena sa orpheus emerged ang isang eksena sa frathaus ( ang phonograph ay si hal, J's mahal at harassed laptop, at ang russian orchestra ay pinalitan ng belle and sebastian, bright eyes, postal service, deathcab etc., kilometric conversations about everything) .

pero sa huli't huli, yun pa rin naman ang gugustuhin natin gawin. nabubugnot tayo pana-panahon. umuuwi pa rin tayo sa lansangan, paminsan-minsan. hindi ko gustong i-justify ang pagiging peti-b, lest i-glorify. minsan masaya lang talaga tayo sa mga bagay na kinasanayan at na-eexcite sa mga magaganap pa lang, sa mga bago at hindi gamay.

may day in US: the great american boycott

dubbed as "a day without immigrants." naiiyak ako dito. sana makalabas ako bukas.

April 12, 2006

New York Times Editorial

People Power

The marchers in white T-shirts poured out of the subway doors and merged into a stream, flowing like blood cells through the tubular innards of the Washington Metro, past turnstiles and up escalators and out into the delicate brilliance of a fine spring day. On the street, they met up with the others — young parents, old people, toddlers in strollers, teenagers in jeans and jewelry — and headed to the Mall, where they and their American flags dissolved into a shimmering sea of white, red and blue.

The immigration rallies of recent weeks have drawn an astounding number of people around the country: Monday's "national day of action" was attended by an estimated 180,000 in Washington, 100,000 each in Phoenix and New York City, 50,000 each in Atlanta and Houston, and tens of thousands more in other cities.

Adding in the immense marches last month in Los Angeles and Chicago, the immigrants and their allies have carried off an amazing achievement in mass political action, even though many of them are here illegally and have no right to vote. Whether the rallies leave you inspired or unnerved, they are impossible to ignore.

This nation is deeply divided and undecided about illegal immigration. The ambivalence runs deep. Americans can hardly even agree on whom they are talking about. Listen to debates from talk radio to the Senate, and you will hear utterly incompatible descriptions of the same group of people. The nation's 11 million to 12 million illegal immigrants are either an occupying army of thieves, snatching jobs and subverting our laws, or they are a wholesome community of strivers, eager to build families and chase the American dream.

Monday's rallies were a decisive victory for the more positive vision. In Washington, as elsewhere, the mood was as mellow as the crowd, which was dominated by parents of young children. (You can shout all the fiery slogans you want, but you will never be threatening with a baby in your arms.) An 86-year-old Salvadoran, Maria Guevara, sat in a folding chair and waved a plastic American flag as a friend, Ana Santos, held a placard to keep the sun out of her eyes. Ms. Guevara was as placid as if sitting beside a pond, though all around her it was noisier than a baseball stadium.

A recurrent complaint against new immigrants — particularly Latinos, the overwhelming majority at most rallies — is that they are slow to assimilate. But these crowds clearly had internalized at least one pillar of the American way: that peaceful dissent can spur a government to action.

Though recent immigration developments in Washington had been a discouraging mix of stalemate and cold political maneuvering, the marchers seemed motivated less by a sense of grievance than by hope, and the pure joy of seeing others like themselves rallying for a precious cause. They were venturing boldly from the shadows and daring the country to change its laws, but were doing so out of a desire to participate in the system, not to undermine it.

This became especially clear when the thousands on the Mall recited the Pledge of Allegiance, reading from yellow sheets printed in English and in a crude phonetic spelling to help Spanish speakers pronounce the unfamiliar words. Something about the latter version — with its strange sense of ineloquent desire — was enough to provoke tears.

Ai pledch aliyens to di fleg

Of d Yunaited Esteits of America

An tu di republic for wich it estands

Uan naishion, ander Gad

Indivisibol

Wit liberti an yostis

For oll.

---

MESSAGE OF SOLIDARITY TO THE IMMIGRANT WORKERS
ON THE DAY OF THE GREAT AMERICAN BOYCOTT 2006

By Prof. Jose Maria Sison
Chairperson, International Coordinating Committee
International League of Peoples' Struggle
April 30, 2006

We, the International League of Peoples' Struggle, hereby express our
solidarity with and support for the millions of immigrant workers on the day
of the Great American Boycott 2006 when they and their supporters do not go
to work, to school or to any shop but hold protest marches and rallies
against institutions and symbols of anti-immigrant discrimination,
exploitation and oppression in Los Angeles, New York, Chicago, San Jose, San
Francisco, Seattle and 100 cities all over the US.

We join the call for amnesty and full rights for the undocumented immigrant
workers who are estimated to be 12 million, mainly from Latin America and
Asia in terms of global regions and from Mexico, China and the Philippines
in terms of countries. By dint of hard work, mostly at bottom jobs, they
contribute significantly to the US economy and to the well-being of the
American people.

They must have the right to reside and other rights in the US. They must
benefit from their own social contributions (in tax and social insurance
payments). They must be relieved of the anxieties from attempts to
criminalize them, subject them to racial discrimination, keep them down at
bottom jobs and low wages and to blame them for the socio-economic crisis
that the monopoly capitalism inflicts on the American people.

The US monopoly capitalists are the most rabid exponents of the freedom of
movement of capital, especially their exploitative kind of capital extracted
from the working people.
The original source of capital, which is labor, should also have the freedom
of movement on a global scale. It is certainly unjust for the imperialists
to prate about the need of capital to move freely and yet put up all sorts
of obstacles to the migrant workers in the global market.

If there is really free trade within North America, why put up walls between
the US and Mexico? The lopsided relationship of the US and Mexico becomes
more obviously unjust when we recall that so many large states originally
belonged to Mexico and were grabbed by the US by force of arms and
chicanery.

We call on all participating organizations of the ILPS in the US to join and
support the mass actions on the Day of the Great American Boycott 2006. We
also call on all other ILPS participating organizations, while celebrating
May 1 as the International Workers' Day, to express solidarity with and
support for the immigrant workers in the US in their struggle for amnesty
and full rights.###

static and silence

p gave me a cassette tape of this particular album as a gift when we were in fourth year high school. i just loved the melancholy whenever i played the album.


FOLK SONG

summer sky and a throat bone dry
and the fields are all gold
dusty lane with a song in my brain
and it stoned me to my soul
I climb high move towards the fire
blaze sun
silver trees and whispering breeze
are my sight and my sound
the thought of heaven couldn't drag me from the path
when I'm wandering here alone
I climb higher move towards the fire
so blaze sun
watch until it dies slow falling from the sky
pale fading sun

LEAVE THIS CITY

gone forever
the writing on the wall
they've boarded up the cinema
strawberry dreams and the dust-filled beams
shut down in a modern town
see you walking
see you talking
recollection
on streets you used to know
forgotten pleasure smoulder
images fade but the town won't let them go
sleepwalking
see you talking
feel the city inside you
leave this city behind you
drive wherever
the roads will take you to
down beside a river frozen brown
January days and their scarecrow trees
so cold - feel your ears burn
see you walking
see you talking
feel the city inside you
leave this city behind you
past and present
they converge on every side
the wires all get tangled
when now and then collide
bittersweet taste of a time and another place before
sleep walking
see you talking
feel the city inside you
feel this city define you
leave this city behind you