ilang bala ka lang (o isang pagsasanay sa pag-alala)

• bihira kong basahin ang mga tula ko sa mga poetry reading. hindi ako kumportableng matawag na rayter. takot kasi akong mahusgahan.
• ang gusto ko sa mga kaibigan ko ay marunong silang mag-negate ng sarili.
• lagi akong may baong kwento. bago pa man maglanding sa papel o sa pc, nag-evaporate na ng mga ito.
• minamadali na ang chacha sa kamara. wala ang pinagkaiba ang batasan sa sogo. nag-o-offer na rin sila ng mga quickie.
• balak kong gumawa ng maikling kwento tungkol sa alzheimer's disease at political detainees pero nagawa na raw ito sa the notebook (yung alzheimer's mode).
• paborito ko ngayon ang gary jules version ng mad world dahil sa pelikulang donnie darko.
• interesado ako sa '80s. kakaibang nostalgia.
• natutuwa akong tumambay kasama ang mga paborito kong prof.
• isa akong malaking tengga.
• may nanalo na ng P150M jackpot ng lotto. nag-daydream pa naman ako na kung ako ang manalo nun, kalahati sa magulang/pamilya ko mapupunta. tapos 'yung kalahati paghahatian ko at ng mga "nagkakawang-gawa." pero hindi ko pa nagagawang tumaya sa lotto kahit isang beses.
  
• tinatamad akong magsulat kaya naka-bullet mode ang entry na ito
• may baby na yumakap sa akin through text. ingat kayo parati.
  
• hindi lang pala mga buntunghininga ang kayang lumagos sa cellphone.
• adik ako ngayon sa chicken invaders.
• nagasgas yung cd kong ginawa for new year pati 'yung isa pa.
  
• hindi ko pa naa-update 'yung isa ko pang blog.
• may gusto akong isulat na tula.
• masaya naman ako paminsan dito sa panig ko.
• antagal ko nang hindi bumibisita sa timog/bigote.
• naulanan ako kanina.
  

"love is impossible in these perilous times"

excerpts from Silences, in Edel Garcellano’s Quadratic Silences

III.

But love is impossible in these perilous times—
& even if I madly whisper your name like a prayer
murder rivals with my eyetooth glare
or, true to fawning, float Kabbala’s letter
that would open the cellar of all love’s crimes
the war—on all fronts—is never won.

The trench is heart-deep, smelling of gunpowder/blood
& your bodyguards, driven from suburban turf,
flank your body like anointed beasts come
to destroy the key I hold up your face.
Surely, the wisdom of my fathers runs deep:
Do not trespass your limits, we are bound
like hawks to our breed of passion/grief. Time
simply rewinds plots of love’s class/flowers/whips.

While native armies clash in the countryside
& cities shake under warlords/transnational goons
While presidents lie through their theological teeth
& ministers lipsynch the Pope’s eternal verities
While good men rot at Harvard & soirees
& chauffeured criminals stalk virgins/activists
While pretty boys reek of cologne and Switzerland
& nymphets, white as bones, bare their buttons on the ramp
While peons disperse like ants all over the planet
& the poor/young/trapped sell their minds/bodies
While the promise of revolution gains ground
& fattened traitors push their casino luck

Love exfoliates in your icy smile—
I perish like a cockroach in these perilous times.

"times they are changing" - bob dylan

there's no better way to cap the first week of the new year other than starting a project and planning a course of action for the first quarter. i’ve been bedridden since thursday because of flu, asthma, whooping cough and fever. bored to oblivion, while i’m recovering, i’ve turned on the limewire to download mp3s. my player needs a new repertoire. i was inspired by kat who burned a cd for our professor, and by bobby in michael cunningham’s a home at the end of the world. so here’s my folk-y new year cd collection (oo, alam kong out of place ’yung iba, at hindi folk/folk rock at/o wala sa tema, at ‘yung ilan ay recycled). our ladies joni and tracy may have dominated the collection, that’s because they deserve that much disk space in my mickey mouse cd-r.

1. woodstock- joni mitchell
2. scarborough fair- simon and garfunkle
3. blue- joni mitchell
4. falling is like this- ani difranco
5. fever- eva cassidy
6. the circle game- joni mitchell
7. hallelujah- jeff buckley
8. give me one more reason- tracy chapman
9. chelsea morning- joni mitchell
10. here’s where the story ends- the sundays
11. the promise- tracy chapman
12. california- joni mitchell
13. landslide- fleetwood mac
14. both sides now-joni mitchell
15. redemption song- indigo girls
16. imagine- eva cassidy
17. across the lines- tracy chapman
18. blowin’ in the wind- joan baez
19. something in the air- thunderclap newman
20. talkin’ ‘bout a revolution- tracy chapman

my favorite is joni’s blue. a tear and a sigh. “there is your song from me.”

i’m also in the process of downloading bob dylan’s times they are changing—this may be an apt theme song for my course of action.

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everything that has to be done must be done by the first quarter. i do not have any new year resolutions, though my present condition compels me to lessen smoking. and besides, i can’t afford to be lax --the course of action entails me to be 100% efficient.

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i do believe the band thunderclap newman when they said that the “revolution is here/ and you know that is right.” we do have to change things.